We humans seem to be on either side of the fence with the issue of regret. And I’m not just talking about the remorse we look for in the courtroom when staring at a rapist or murderer. I’m talking about the smaller crimes we commit in our daily lives. Should we regret any and every wrong doing? Who defines wrong doing anyway?
I remember looking for quotes for my senior yearbook to accompany my photo. I came across one that said, “I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence.” I thought that was ridiculous. At eighteen, I knew that silence was far louder and more dangerous than words. Yes, words can hurt, destroy and cut. But silence. Silence is a slow killer. It’s the darkness that is perfect conditions for black mold and roaches. So, me being me, I flipped it and decided my quote would be, “I have often regretted my silence, but never my speech.”
This is still true. Of course, I have moments where I kick myself and wonder why the hell I said something ridiculous and embarrassing, or even hurtful. However, I learned a long time ago that I will choke on unsaid words. I will never regret telling someone I love them; whether they want to reciprocate. I will never regret telling someone they hurt me, or that I think they are wrong (or right). I will never regret saying, “I’m sorry.” Sure, it would be nice to not have anything to say sorry for. But, that’s life. Even when you play by the rules, you aren’t necessary guaranteed to not hurt others or yourself. So, it can be said that she who takes the most risks has fewer regrets, and more people demanding her remorse that don’t understand risk.
Very few human beings have the ability to empathize. Often times, people see the world through their experiences and think that is the model for all. Sure, situations can be similar and inspirational. But at the end of the day every person, relationship, and experience is unique. Someone could walk in with cupcakes right now and myself and my three students sitting in this classroom would experience it differently. We have different personalities, perceptions, lifestyles, histories, and moods. I try really hard not to judge others actions or choices. I’m not always successful, but I try.
A little over a year ago I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I judged myself and was harshly judged. I was also embraced and comforted. I made the choice to put more energy and attention into those who opened their arms to me without judgment because that was what I needed to heal. I don’t regret the decisions I made at that time to quit my decent paying job with benefits and leave the Bay to return to bad air and a tough job market in the Central Valley. Many good things have come from that. Many challenges have arisen, as well. But I work through them. I’m not a fan of the for-profit school system, but I don’t regret taking a job to teach at one. Perhaps this makes me a sell-out in the eyes of some (including myself), but I have bills to pay and a life to live. I know it’s where I need to be right now and I’ll learn from it and be a better person in the end.
I can apply the same philosophy to relationships. I don’t regret any of my romantic relationships because every single one has strengthened me and taught me something about life that you just can’t read in a book or watch in a movie. That doesn’t mean I’m proud of what I did or how I acted at all times. There are moments and people I never want to relive. There are moments and people I wish I could have back. I’ve had commitment, reckless passion, devotion, abuse, betrayal, lust, fun, and love. I don’t regret any of that. Perhaps, it’s because I’m a writer and have some need (albeit masochist at times) to experience as many things and emotions possible in order to connect to the human experience on many different levels.
At the end of the day, the one person we have to look in the eye is our own reflection. When people say they have no regrets, it doesn’t mean they lack the ability to see they did wrong. It means they were true to their desires. They followed their gut, their dreams and maybe they fell on their ass, but at least they tried. It may or may not have turned out as they hoped or planned, but it turned out as it was supposed to turn out. Everything happens for a reason.They learned something about life and themselves that they wouldn’t have known any other way. No regrets. No looking back. Only walking forward with the ability to still look my reflection in the eye. Living for me.
On the Cusp 