Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings. Move within,
but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
–Rumi
I crunch numbers till they bleed, robbing Peter to pay Paul, playing Russian Roulette with credit card maximum limits and due dates. For people who think that most of the people are living off unemployment are just milking the system and not wanting to get a job, I have to tell you that bringing in 60% of your already small wages is not exactly some cushion of government entitlement making me or most people not want to get a job.
In the first month after losing my job (which by the way, why do we call it losing my job? Like I don’t know where I last used or left it?), I didn’t know if my unemployment would come through considering the unethical and shady circumstances surrounding this break-up. So, I took whatever came my way: cleaning lady, catalog candle lady, and babysitter (substitute teacher). That’s what you do, right? You put pride aside in order to pay the bills. That’s what I learned from my parents. However, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. That after all the money and years spent busting my ass, in school and work, I found myself wiping down stations at a salon and trying to talk people into having a candle party. Then I found out that I would receive unemployment. EDD ruled in my favor. One win. Then the substitute jobs started to come more frequently.
So, I decided to redistribute my time. It was a difficult decision because this redistribution meant bringing in less money to allow more time to pursue passions. I quit cleaning. I’ve not put much energy into candle slanging. I sub a few days a week, mostly at a continuation high school because I seem to like the schools most people avoid. I feed people’s pets and leave my apartment empty to ensure someone’s house is occupied when they leave town. I declined a board position and resigned as co-chair from a nonprofit. I started grant writing for two non-profits, one will pay and one is volunteer. I decided to spend $4000 this next year to earn my Independent Education Consultant certification. I started to put time and efforts into being my own boss. However, I avoided one thing, one extremely important thing. I avoided sitting on my floor with my laptop on my ottoman and typing. I avoided myself. I drowned away disappointments, fears, bitterness, heartache and betrayal with beer, constant company, and running around. I said yes to every distraction that took me away from myself, my writing. Today is the first day in a long time that I can remember hardly talking to or seeing anyone. The tv has been off since I got home from a job interview at 9:00am. (And that interview was not fun, let me tell you).
Recently, I told my friend, Heather, that I feel like a writing routine is often like a new diet or exercise routine. It’s a lifestyle change that’s great when you have the energy and motivation, but not so great when you feel like your life has fallen apart and you just want to comfort yourself with cheese, beer, ice cream and TV addictions. So, while I was doing what was right for me in certain areas, knowing that less money now means more in the long run, I didn’t invest in myself. I kept myself so busy, so distracted that I’m drained. I learned to say no, but didn’t completely perfect it.
Now, I am trying to recommit to myself, seeing if I’ll take me back. Forgive myself. Do right by my writing. Keep walking. Stop acting out of fear. The bills will get paid. I’ll keep my apartment. I may continue to miss out on fun trips with friends,, but I have faith that I’m moving in the right direction. The numbers might bleed, but I’m healing. I have faith. My fear of failure and ridicule will not drive my decision-making.
On the Cusp 